I received the package from the college yesterday! One step closer to my dream, Eeeee! The doubt I was experiencing a little while ago has been replaced with EXCITEMENT :) Thank god! I love that all the letters congratulated me on being accepted into the nursing program. That’s such a nice touch. :)
The paperwork included a pretty decent check list of things I have to accomplish before August. Vaccinations are definitely the most intense item on the list and I can’t start clinicals without those up-to-date, so I better read over the info so I get it all right. I also have to have a police clearance done, do first aid training and attend an information session.
I started the process today by having my mom dig out my vaccination records from when I was a child. Thank goodness she found them as I was born in England (and lived there until I was 7) so finding out the details otherwise might have been a bit challenging. Go mama! I also called the health region to have them send me my vaccination records from here in Canada. I should have them next week sometime. It looks like I may have a few to update but I did get the important ones (like Polio) as a little one. Yay!
Today I also called and book my info session – Which I’m pretty excited about. I’m doing that near the end of March. I'll let you know how that goes.
Speaking of calling all these places - It’s soooo awkward not having an actual office (I’m a front desk receptionist). I have absolutely NO privacy which sucks when you’re trying to make appointments that you don’t want everyone in the surrounding offices to know about. I had to call from my car at lunch time (I was pretty stoked all the places were open actually). It’s not that I’m keeping the fact that I’m an aspiring nurse a secret. I’ve told many people at work my plans, because I do my upgrading homework there at lunch time most days (which of course brings questions), but I’ve never specified my time line. I sort of infer that school is way off in the future for me, that I have tons more classes to upgrade… which isn’t really true, although 1.25 classes left to do feels like a ton to me sometimes :). So it’s not as if I’m totally hiding things but I just don’t want anyone to know too soon that I’m heading back. Especially when it really is still up in the air a bit (with me having to finish Math and Bio)….
Anyway, it drove me nuts to wait until lunch time to get a few of these necessary calls done, I was so pumped to get the ball rolling. Now that I have a few things taken care of, its starting to feel so real. I honestly, truly might be heading to school in six months guys! That’s sooooo exciting!!
I logged into the colleges website for the third time Wednesday afternoon, sulkingly thinking to myself “I honestly don’t believe this thing will EVER change…” when there they were, those four little words I’d be willing to appear each time I logged in: “Decision Made - Condition Acceptance” !!!
The doubt I mentioned in my title didn’t appear right away. At first I began texting/pm-ing/emailing all my closest friends and family to share the awesome news, while jumping for joy in my head (I was at work:). A few hours later the doubt began to creep in…
“Do I honestly think I’m smart enough to be a nurse? To take peoples lives in my hands?!?!?!”
“Wait, do I honestly think I’ll even be able to get though the schooling required to hold those peoples lives in my hands in the first place?”
“Do I really, truly care about other people enough to do really well in a career like this?”
“Do I really want to give up a job that’s almost never stressful (although not the least bit rewarding either) to enter a field that’s notorious for being hectic and crazy in the hopes that I’ll find it rewarding also?”
“Wait, wait, wait, I still have to pass these courses I’m taking right now!”
The list went on and on and I hate to admit that it’s still being added to daily.
I know, the “Am I smart enough?” thought is soooo over done but honestly that’s the one that replays over and over in my head and makes me feel slightly sick to my stomach for a split second each time.
I’ve struggled with this concept most of my life it seems. Whenever I pull some blonde maneuver it seems, even though I try to fight it, to sort of reaffirm my horrible (subconscious) mantra. I’ve never done extremely well in school, except in subjects that came easily to me. And I do experience blonde moments more often then I’d like to admit (even anonymously). While upgrading these courses though, I’ve really proved to myself that when I want something I really will devote myself to it and sacrifice for it but there are times when it truly does just come down to plain ol’ IQ doesn’t it?
Wow… I meant this post to be a joyous one and it’s take quite an opposite turn. I’m so sorry for being such a downer when I should be giddy and happy. Don’t get me wrong I AM happy… SOOOO ecstatically happy in fact, I just thought I’d share with you the thoughts that seem to hit me when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. Thoughts I’m trying to over come. I guess I thought that perhaps ranting about them would help me with that....
I will get over this self-doubt slump I’m in, I PROMISE! I feel it happening already! :)
