I logged into the colleges website for the third time Wednesday afternoon, sulkingly thinking to myself “I honestly don’t believe this thing will EVER change…” when there they were, those four little words I’d be willing to appear each time I logged in: “Decision Made - Condition Acceptance” !!!
The doubt I mentioned in my title didn’t appear right away. At first I began texting/pm-ing/emailing all my closest friends and family to share the awesome news, while jumping for joy in my head (I was at work:). A few hours later the doubt began to creep in…
“Do I honestly think I’m smart enough to be a nurse? To take peoples lives in my hands?!?!?!”
“Wait, do I honestly think I’ll even be able to get though the schooling required to hold those peoples lives in my hands in the first place?”
“Do I really, truly care about other people enough to do really well in a career like this?”
“Do I really want to give up a job that’s almost never stressful (although not the least bit rewarding either) to enter a field that’s notorious for being hectic and crazy in the hopes that I’ll find it rewarding also?”
“Wait, wait, wait, I still have to pass these courses I’m taking right now!”
The list went on and on and I hate to admit that it’s still being added to daily.
I know, the “Am I smart enough?” thought is soooo over done but honestly that’s the one that replays over and over in my head and makes me feel slightly sick to my stomach for a split second each time.
I’ve struggled with this concept most of my life it seems. Whenever I pull some blonde maneuver it seems, even though I try to fight it, to sort of reaffirm my horrible (subconscious) mantra. I’ve never done extremely well in school, except in subjects that came easily to me. And I do experience blonde moments more often then I’d like to admit (even anonymously). While upgrading these courses though, I’ve really proved to myself that when I want something I really will devote myself to it and sacrifice for it but there are times when it truly does just come down to plain ol’ IQ doesn’t it?
Wow… I meant this post to be a joyous one and it’s take quite an opposite turn. I’m so sorry for being such a downer when I should be giddy and happy. Don’t get me wrong I AM happy… SOOOO ecstatically happy in fact, I just thought I’d share with you the thoughts that seem to hit me when I’m trying to fall asleep at night. Thoughts I’m trying to over come. I guess I thought that perhaps ranting about them would help me with that....
I will get over this self-doubt slump I’m in, I PROMISE! I feel it happening already! :)